Attached –detached

I have been intrigued by this term ‘Attached-detached’. I first heard it from our Guru, Swami Anubhavanada during his discourse. Then I happen to hear Saint Purandaradasa’s song ‘’hange irbeku samsaradali’’, meaning, how one should lead a householder’s life. He says, when we go to the beach, we see kids playing in the sand fighting for their place to make  castle and in the evening one sees the same kids kicking the castle, abandoning it and running home. This is how one must live in this world.

  If one goes to any market in the afternoon one will see hustle bustle and noise. The same market in the evening has a deserted look with everyone locking their shop, carts and wear and leaving for home.

We should also be like them and learn to move on.

         This way of living applies specially to the seniors. Some of us live with our kids in a joint family. We encounter day to day problems. The parents try to discipline the children and the grand- parents protect the kids. This leads to conflict.

 The seniors tell the grown up kids what to cook, what to eat, where not to go. This kind of interference leads to unhappiness. Such people need to learn from Saint Purandaradasa’s song as to how to live in this world.

The modern world is helping us to live without attachment as our nests get empty with kids leaving for higher studies. By the time a couple reaches the age of 50, they start coping to live in each other’s company.

Our ancient text talked about the Varna system. Very few of us understand and follow it .On the contrary, we mock at it, saying it is impossible to follow it in the modern world as it is a redundant concept. I beg to defer with this view. According to me what our ancestors advised us, is a universal phenomenon and so applies to all times.      

    The Ashram system believed in four stages of life. According to mystic Hindu beliefs, the Ashram System was a method to gauge one's lifespan and spiritual fulfillment. Starting at 100 years of age, the system separated this into 4 equal parts of twenty-five years each; the goal of each period was to achieve ideal culmination of all four life stages.

1. Bhramacharya "Student Life" (Age 0-24): Starting at a tender age, the child lived with a Guru to attain knowledge, self-discipline, and celibacy while being guided to the path of Dharma (Right Action).

2. Grihastha "Household Life" (Age 25-49): In this stage, the now tutored youth would apply his earned learning by selflessly carrying out his duty to the family and society,  worshiping God, and  work to earn a living..

3. Vanaprastha "Retired life" (Age 50-74): After having completed their dutiful obligations towards the household, the aged individual will gradually withdraw from the worldly duties in order to prepare for the final stage in their lifespan.

4. Sannyasa "Renounced Life" (Age 75-100): By now, the individual leads a fully secluded life. They now pursue dedication to spiritual accomplishment.  They will seek to gain Moksha (Spiritual Freedom) along with meditation.

What a well-organized stages of life! How thoughtful of our ancestors to have foreseen a universal system to lead a good life appropriate for all times.

If we apply these stages to today’s life

1. Brhamacharya  -A student must lead an austere and disciplined life to attain education.                                    

       Celibacy helps him in that purpose. 

2. Grihastha- he puts to use his education and works in his field at the same time  getting married and raising a family, looks after them by following dharma[right standard] eartha [earning well for the family and charity], kama [attachment to his family] and moksha-[following the religious duties for later life.

Where is the different between then and now? A good householder does exactly the same things as the one in olden days.

3.Vanaprasth- tells us to lead an attached-detached life. When the ancient man lived at the outskirt of his estate after providing for his family, he had to live like a stranger in his own estate, knowing all the happening in his family, but not involving himself. It is the most difficult way to live.

Following the householder’s stage, a man is expected to give up his belongings and retire from active family and social life to seek seclusion from the world. His wife can come with him or be left behind with her sons. According to the Laws of Manu, “When a householder sees his skin wrinkled and his hair gray and when he sees the son of his son, then he should resort to the forest.” In addition, he should be available to offer advice and guidance to family and society.
In this stage, a man should be engaged in study and should be willing to give more than he receives. He should strive to be self-controlled, friendly, spiritually composed, and compassionate.”

  

 Now compare this life with today’s retired man’s life. How many of us live such austere life? We get involved in nitty-gritty of the household and if our son or daughter, who runs the household now, does not listen to us, we feel insulted and say elders are not respected in today’s world.
Today when we live with our kids and grandkids, we too should live a vanaprastha’s life, doing whatever we can to help them at the same time not involving in the children’s life.

  

     I remember an incident where I had been to one of my friend’s house for a visit .Her grandfather was ninety year old. The father was complaining about his son saying he wastes money. After sometime his son walked in. The old man said, ’Meet my son’’. I looked up to see a seventy year old gentleman standing in front of me. How long can one carry the burden of a householder? That is why one should learn to be attached –detached.

    We must cultivate an attitude of detachment at the same time carrying on our duties allotted to us by the kids. If not, just mind your business and take care of yourself mentally and physically. This is what is a balance between attached-detached. It is a tight rope walk and needs concentrated spiritual study and practice to attain this stage. But those who can attain even 10% of this ,are the real karma yogis and happy soul. It is like common salt. A practice of a little of this attitude every day is the way to happiness. Such people are not only happy at all times but make everyone around them happy.

How lucky would be such a household where elders of this kind reside?

 

 We come across so many family disputes in the newspapers between father and son. There are mediation cells for the seniors. There are thousands of complaints against the elders of the household. The discord in the family becomes a public matter. Looking at all these complaints, I feel parent  who live on their own  , is the lucky one. Either we should adapt ourselves to the next generation’s household life or stay separately. There is dignity in staying on your own.

My father a centenarian ran his own household till the age of ninety nine. He never complained and did all his work himself till the end. He died a dignified death. It is not possible for everyone to be like him. It needs a lot of grooming from young age in self-reliance.

For people who cannot be on their own, there are many old age home options about which Senior Post’s Editor has been writing about in every issue.

But the first lesson all we elders have to learn is to accept the situation not comparing life in olden times’ to life in today’s world. We must be independent as far as possible, not expecting to be pampered because we are old. On the other hand, being in the world, we must go about its affairs with feeling of detachment. This is exactly what, is wanted of a seeker who is a householder.  Karma yoga recognizes that the real evil is not in the physical possessions themselves but in the attachment to them. It is not the ordinary duties involved in the process of earning a livelihood that should be abhorred, but selfishness - which is a consequence of attachment to worldly objects.